unsaid words

this is home?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been in a slump. I’ve felt very unmotivated, unsatisfied, lost, confused, and sad. I didn’t really know what was going on. I didn’t know what to call it.

Yesterday, I was able to have a good talk with a friend about IV, life, and spiritual stuff. Considering I don’t talk or spend that much time with her, I was surprised to see how open I was to her about everything and told her what I was facing. Once again, I couldn’t sum up what I was going through into a single word. Nothing seemed to fit. Finally, after a lot of mumbling and mind-stumbling, I said I felt “homesick.” However, right at that point in time, I knew that couldn’t have been the right word to use, could it?

This morning on my way to school, I fumbled through the radio stations like I always do, looking for a decent song to listen to that wouldn’t put me to sleep. I hate this part because I have theorized that radio stations get together and collaborate when to play and not play decent songs and when to play ads - they’re always playing ads and bad songs at the same time. I usually get frustrated and just stop on a station to listen to some car dealership, diamond cutter international, and teeth straightening ads.

Today was a bit different.

Instead of following my routine, I decided to pop in one of the WoW greatest hits cds that my mom had left in my car. I flipped through the first cd and quickly switched to the 2nd one and track #2 hit me.

‘This Is Home’ by Switchfoot.

I had heard the song before but it had never really stood out to me. Its funny how situations can change your perspective. The song talks about being at home (obviously). The lyrics are simple and the beauty of it all is the emotion that can be felt through the vocals - freedom, relief, peace.

I think I put a lot of emphasis on tying being at home to a physical location. At a point in time, I had considered where I was to be home because I had become comfortable with how life was here. This is why I didn’t think “homesick” was the right word to describe the slump I was going through. I thought, “surely someone could not call somewhere home and then change their mind.”

However, the lyrics say “I’ve got memories always inside of me, but I can’t go back, back to how it was.”

‘How’ it was, not ‘where’ it was. Situation and circumstance, not location.

Even though I’m in the same physical location, my situations in life have changed and I don’t think I’ve been able to adapt very well. Truly being at home isn’t just about having a physical house and city to live in, but it relies heavily on your situations in life. I seem very misplaced in a lot of different areas, especially school, social life, and a bit at church. I also can’t seem to get my hands on a job that would benefit me in my industry. Things just seem to a bit crazy and I can’t find my resting place.

By the way Switchfoot sings this song, I can imagine how they feel. With all I’m going through right now, I can’t wait till I “find” my resting “place,” where I belong, and where “home” is. I can’t wait to be able to sing those lyrics with the passion they have. I don’t mean packing up and moving…I mean being secure and confident in my life and plans.

So after all that, I realized what I told my friend was absolutely right - I’m homesick.

Lord, lead me home.

what can wash away my sins...

I used to make the generalization that people take this time to put their Jesus faces on, go to church, praise Him for dying on the cross, go home, and put the Jesus face and lifestyle in the closet till this time next year comes again. People put Easter on such a high pedestal that makes it seem like they only care about Jesus dying on the cross this one time a year. We should be constantly remembering and thanking God for sending His son down to die for us - not just on easter weekend.

Anyways, now that I got that minor rant away, I can move on to the exciting eye-opening experience God has put me through this weekend.

I love it when God takes my heart and shows it how to hurt like His. It makes me love Him so much more.

It all started Thursday night after large group. We were sitting outside a small authentic Pizzaria when a car drove by and had hit a raccoon. A few of us rushed outside to see the raccoon and it was spazzing out and many said it was going through a seizure. My heart was so broken to see such a cute animal suffering and I was frantically trying to think of some kind of way to help it.

Without many seconds to think, someone had picked up a broken off sidewalk edge and was holding it up to the raccoon’s head. Me and my friend yelled. We protested and exclaimed, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” He calmly and simply replied, “putting it out of its misery.”

I was in shock. I turned around to walk back into the pizzaria gate and before I reached inside, I heard the devastating sound of concrete slamming into concrete. I knew what had just happened not only from the sound of the rock, but from the screams of the other fellowship members watching from the inside.

My heart hurt.

I turned around to see how the raccoon was…only to be devastated.

He hit the raccoon in the head again.

I let out a yell. I could feel the insides of my being torn out and such a cold and empty feeling overwhelmed me. I leaned against the metal gate with my back against the horrid scene..speechless. My friend next to me was also gasping for air. A peer came to cool us down. My friend was able to snap out of it but I failed to join her.

Moments later, a circle had formed near me and was in conversation. The guy who had done the act came in and was somehow able to say something along the lines of, “yeah, raccoons are cute.”

My broken heart turned into an angered heart. Throughout the incident, there was no sign of remorse from the individual. No “I hate doing this” but more of “its no big deal, I do it a lot.” Every part of me wanted to yell and scream and curse people out. Not only at him, but to those that supported him and those that said “dude, that was awesome.”

But I would have been no better if I had done that.

God has been giving me the ability to see big pictures, big problems - the panoramic view of things. Initially, it was about the raccoon, but soon my eyes were opening to the bigger picture.

All this time I’ve had such a hard time understanding how abortion, euthanasia, pulling the plug on a loved one, and things like that have become so prominent in today’s society. I have been giving people the benefit of the doubt that people can’t seriously think about these things with no remorse.

I was proved wrong. My eyes were opened. And it hurt.

Furthermore, it hurt that we had just come from a night of prayer, thanking God for His grace to us, yet some of us engaged in such ungodly conversations about beating people up at work and had failed to extend grace to a simple animal. If we can’t show love to a raccoon, how do we show love to those around us?

It made me wonder whenever we go out as a fellowship, do outsiders see us as a Christlike fellowship? Or are we just another one of those big annoying college group of kids? And how often do I get caught up in things and forget to shine the light that I have been so blessed to receive?

My mind continued, what if that was me on the road? Would I have been spared? Would it have been any different? My mind was boggled.

I understand that the raccoon was suffering and killing it may have been justified…but there’s a difference between trying to help an animal and then sadly deciding on that option than to just outright smack it in the head smiling away and thinking nothing about it.

My mind wandered again. What if that was Jesus? In fact, that was Jesus when He suffered on the cross for us. Would any of us have gone up to him and smacked him across the head to put him out of his misery?

He opened my eyes again. In a way, we do exactly that. Every time we turn away from Him, give in to sinful temptations, its almost like slapping him across the face.

How fitting was this eye-opening realization to come on this weekend….

Things like this make me appreciate God so much more. How great a love is His that He loves us despite of what we do and are going to do. How great a love is His that loves us even though we’ve become so disturbed in our thinking.

My heart cries out to You, O Lord. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Continue to reveal the imperfections of myself and the world that I may further appreciate Your love for us.

What can wash away my sins…
Nothing but the blood of Jesus..
What can make me whole again..
Nothing but the blood of Jesus..
Oh precious is the flow…
That makes me white as snow…

the little things

The little things make me happy.

Post-it note aisles.
Crosswords.
Effort.

..whoa!

This has been one busy first week! No one will probably really care to read this whole list…but I want to do it anyways!

Tuesday
5:45am - “Wake up”
6:30am - Actually wake up, do devos, etc.
7:15am - Head to campus
8:30am - Introduction to Hospitality
10:00am - Food Safety, Sanitation, and Security
11:30am - Burn time by going to the library to do work, eat with folks, etc
4:00pm - Prayer, then burn more time
7:00pm - IV Worship Practice
9:00pm - Head home
Wednesday
8:30am - Wake up and do devos, etc
9:15am - Head to campus
10:00am - Hospitality Technology
11:00am - Burn more time at the library, finished all the work for the Hospitality Technolgoy class (seriously! only midterm and final left), eat with folks
4:00pm - Prayer, then burn time
5:30pm - Managerial Accounting
7:00pm - IV/Religion center coffee night
8:45pm - Head home
Thursday
5:45am - “Wake up”
6:30am - Actually wake up, do devos, etc.
7:15am - Head to campus
8:30am - Introduction to Hospitality
10:00am - Food Safety, Sanitation, and Security
11:30am - Head back to Sugar Land to go buy drumsticks and snare stand
2:30pm - Head back to campus, bring the gear the religion center and repark car
3:00pm - Library to do stuff so I don’t have to go to my online pols class inclass orientation which conflicts with practice before IV
4:00pm - Prayer, then burn more time, eat with people
5:30pm - Set up for IV and practice
7:00pm - IV Large group
9:00pm - After hours
10:00pm - Bball!
1:30am - Head home
Friday
10:00pm - Wake up! (First day to get some good rest), do devos, etc, did some more work
1:00pm - Met up with Mel to have a nice talk about things :)
4:00pm - Prepare some stuff for college group
7:00pm - College group
10:00pm - Head home
Saturday
8:30am - Wake up!
10:00am - Leadership meeting till 5pm
5:30pm - Head home
6:00pm - Family time/dinner to celebrate Chinese New Year
8:00pm - Lots of people to talk to about problems!! Organize Chinese New Year social on Sunday
12:00am - Sleep
Sunday
6:45am - Wake up
8:00am - Church
10:30am - Frys, Burger King, some work
2:30pm - Chinese new year college group social
7:00pm - Head home
8:30pm - Do work thats due at 11pm
9:00pm - blog!

As you can see, its been pretty h e c t i c. Every thing just happened to be different this week to make my days so busy! There was a point where I thought I wouldn’t be able to do this all semester but then I realized, I didn’t have to do this all semester because many of the things I had to do were special incidences all coincidentally happening in the same week.

In all this, its really been hitting me, I am a college group leader. I am…a leader..whoa! My role at church has expanded so much and God has been showing me that I have what it takes as long as I trust in Him! Taking this step forward into leadership was pretty scary at first, but now I’m really excited and believe that God will be able to do great things with me if I am devoted to Him.

God also showed me that I’ve had leadership qualities all along. A lot of people come to me to talk and vent and thats a huge quality of being a leader - having trust with people, not just a few, but many. It felt good to be needed in that way but at the same time I know I can’t be boastful and think its all about me. I know this is divine appointment and I need to continue to stay close to Him to be equipped to help others or else I will just be so overwhelmed! As one of my very good friends said about herself, “Blessed to be a blessing” and I am so glad that God is revealing His purpose for me a little bit each day.

I know God will continue to be faithful to me if I am continuously faithful in Him.

And I hope that during the upcoming trials, I will be able to remember that… ;)

I need to blog more often because I always seem to have a lot to say..haha

deep cleaning

After sitting around at home watching episode after episode of How I Met Your Mother, I decided it was time to move my car back into its place because I finally decided I would not be going out the rest of the day.

When I stepped outside, I was so in awe of the weather - it was great! I stood in front of my car door for a good minute or so and then decided that it was time to give Lancey Lorelai a good wash, inside and out.

Yes, my car has a name that I did not give it. I actually forgot how that name came about, so if someone remembers the story, do englighten me!

Anyways, when I was preparing to wash my car, I realized that cleaning my car in and out was starting to become a routine. I clearly remembered doing it for the past 2 semesters, which would make this my 3rd semester in a row.

Oh, how I love being OCD sometimes.

There’s a point to all this chatter, I promise.

While scrubbing down my car, I was thinking of the many things I had done in the past day or two that symbolized cleaning up or “resetting.” I had cleaned up my room, organized all my work, books, and notes from last semester and put them away to make room on my desk for the new semester’s paperwork and such, cleaned out the receipts in my wallet, deleted all the pictures from my phone and removed some ringtones, bought a new yearly planner, notebook, and looseleaf paper, and the list just goes on.

After thinking about all this, I began to relate it all to my spiritual life. Sometimes, we need to take the time to clean ourselves up. God is just waiting to scrub us up and down, He doesn’t even care how or to what extent we think we messed up, all we have to do is confess and repent - that’s how amazing He is.

I have plenty of things “in between the seats” that I should stop ignoring and ask forgiveness for from God. It sounds simple on paper, but there are some things we hold onto because it hurt us so bad or some other reason. However, we have to be careful, because some things we hold onto might bar us from getting to where we want to be spiritually, or even from something more down-to-earth, like relationships or friendships.

When we clean something up, we don’t do it for no reason. Usually, its because we expect something. When I rush to clean up the house, its because people are coming. When I emptied out my wallet, its because I know I’ll need the room for more receipts. When I washed my car, I know many people will be sitting in it this semester, just like any other semester. And so on, and so on.

In the same way, I hope to do some spiritual deep cleaning. Why? Because I’m expecting more this year and I don’t want any old hate, lust, jealousy, or any other negative emotion to hold me back.

a long road ahead

This winter break has been filled with many different emotions: grief, sadness, shock, anticipation, fright, nervousness, regret, but most of all, happiness.

Out of trials come great testimonies and after this break, my life testimony has once again extended itself.

I am amazed at the way God has been moving throughout my life. I am amazed that He never fails and I am more amazed that my spiritual level has elevated to the point where I can truly lay things for Him to take care of. It amazes me that I have come to this spiritual level in a matter of a year or two.

Recently, I have been hanging out with a few friends every night until quite late in the evening (or morning..). Last night, as I was about to head to the mall, my mom stopped me and questioned me. She exclaimed, “You’ve been going out late a lot lately! Why so busy?” When I heard her say that, I knew she was right, I had been going out a lot lately, but what I didn’t expect was what she said next; “Are you fooling around with someone?!”

I laughed, on the inside and on the outside.

If she had asked me this during senior year or the summer after, she would have been right. The beauty of her asking me this now was that I did not feel guilty. I laughed it off because I knew the truth. I wasn’t “fooling” around (dating someone without her knowledge…not…other stuff..) with someone…and it felt great.

I thanked God for giving me the ability to tell her that my spiritual walk and strength was far greater now and I was not capable of hiding things like that from my mother anymore.

Its a great feeling being secure in Jesus Christ.

A few days ago I was flustered because I was being openly insulted. You know the kind of insult that’s done in a joking way but has truth intended to it? Yeah, that kind. I went home a bit peeved but did some devotions and quiet time and was able to rest in God. People can insult me all they want. Who am I to care? I am secure in the Lord knowing that He has made me just the way I should be, in His image. If people can’t accept the way I am or my personality, then they do not accept the way He has made me.

Being able to think like this set me free.

It has been a rough winter break trying to deal with many emotional storms, but God has been showing me His faithfulness in me and the spiritual maturity that dwells deep within.

Despite all this, I am still human and still very unperfect. I know there will be times when my mind will wander, when my heart will ache, and when my esteem and spiritual level of the day will fall, but I believe that I will be able to carry myself in the end, especially with help from others.

I’m already doing a lot better than I would have been 1.5 years ago! So improvement is definitely showing.

I know all this that God is revealing and working in me is for the very exciting year He has planned and my new position as leader of my college group/young adult caregroup at Church. Thank you to all those who have prayed for me! It might be tough to balance out my role in church, IV, and Epic, but I’ve prayed about it and sought after Him and I’m taking that step in faith knowing that He will lead, guide, and provide for me each step of the way of this long road ahead.

Now that I’ve got the deeper stuff out of the way, I can casually talk about the break! Haha

Winter break was hard at first, but as I gave myself time to heal things began to pick up and this winter break has been pretty fun! I met Allison and Joy (who is “following” me right now) this break. Its always fun meeting friends of friends..especially when they’re fun! I hung out quite a bit with them along with Zach, Stacy, Jason, Paul, Kat, and Michael and its been quite the blast. More board games, please!

Oh and Fei fei sits weird.

Today Zach, Jason, Eric and myself took a day trip to Aggieland to support Zach as he changes his major to Political Science be manly and eat $10 steak that is bigger than my hand at Beefmasters.

I was not kidding! Haha

Aggieland is huge. I wikipedia’d (hah, Joy) the acreage and compared it to UH and UT. Texas A&M has 5200 acres of land. UH has 560 and UT has 350. Haha! Farmland much?!

I’m gonna try and blog a bit more regularly. Hopefully?